Club Survival Guide

10 Survival Tips for Rookie Salsa Men

By Dave Paris of paradisodance.com in NYC

The inspiration to write this article came in a road trip to Montreal I took with eight male rookies. Feeling like a veteran, I took one of these rookies to the bar area at a salsa club. I showed him that most of the ladies were just waiting for someone to ask them to dance. It is true that some of them are there only to drink, or show off their new dress, but most of the ladies want to meet someone and have a good time. How can you tell which lady is approachable? Their eyes tell the entire story. Are they staring at their drinks, or at the dance floor? Any woman who is alone is your safest choice. Anytime there are a few women together, you have to do some analysis. Are their shoulders facing the dance floor, or are they looking to the back of the wall? Are they engaged in serious conversation, or they waiting silently? Are they into the music, or posing for a camera? Anytime a woman is with a guy, you probably want to stay away, unless it looks like the woman needs rescuing. Who knows, you could be a hero.

Well, this rookie didn't need much encouragement, because before I knew it, he was off asking this lady to dance. And that was it. He was busy the rest of the night. It felt good, to throw someone out of the nest. All of us had to go through this experience, with or without help, and we all know the value of getting support in this crazy salsa scene. The more we can do to help our less experienced brethren, the better.

I'm writing about this experience, not because I think we should form mentorship programs, but because I realize how much we experienced dancers know about the scene that we take for granted. You know if you approach a group of three beautiful ladies who spend two hours in the bathroom getting prepared for the night, obviously they are image conscious and high maintenance, and will not dance with you unless they've seen you dance. And even then, good luck. You also know if you're after the best looking babe in a group of ladies, you're better off asking someone not so high maintenance. It's the guy's rule, the more you hide your interest, the more attractive you become.

So, let's share it. But let's share the valuable stuff. Not the etiquette stuff that makes us seem like gentlemen (there are articles on that subject too), but the stuff the rookies really need: how to pick up a woman, how to be sensual without getting slapped, or the very basics on asking women to dance.

So here goes… 10 tips that I've learned from messing up, succeeding, or from reading the walls of bathroom stalls

Tip 1

If you are a beginner, and looking to getting on the dance floor with anyone who will accept you, look for the group of women who are not image conscious. They are the ones without much make-up, who aren't showing too much skin, and whose body language seems welcoming. They may not dance well, but that's okay, because you can't either. The advantage to this group is
once you break in with one girl, you can move on to the others in the group.

The other group to look for is older women. Unfortunately, many of the older women are ignored by guys, so they welcome a dance with anyone. They can often teach you a lot, on and off the dance. But that is a different story.

Tip 2
Eye contact. I was watching one of my intermediate dancers in Montreal do move after move efficiently, smoothly, but with absolute no passion. I told him, “Look at her like you are bringing her home later!” Instantly, he looked at her - not too sleazy - but with connection and good intent. It's a sensual dance. No need to hide the fact that your bodies are close, sweating, and holding each other tight. The eyes should reflect this.

Of course, you don't start the dance this way, as with any good romantic experience, things need to be built up slowly. But you certainly maintain connection in every possible way. And if the image of taking her home doesn't work for you, imagine that you took her home last night.

Tip 3
Take a dance friend that you can dance well with and show up to the dance club early. When you show up early, everyone will be watching you, and they will know that you have some skills. This will increase your chances of getting women to dance with you later in the night. Remember, the women are checking the guys out as much as we check them out.

When using this tactic, be sure to come early, as your skills will be on full display, as opposed to showing up late when the dance floor is too crowded. Also, be careful not to dance too much with your partner, as women will assume that she is your girlfriend, and you won't get any other dances.

Tip 4
There are two schools of thought about when to ask a woman for a drink. If you ask her after your dance, the other wolves in the club can't cut into your action. This way of thinking may be necessary if you are dancing in a meat market. But in general, after the first dance, or first set of dances, it's better to thank her for the dance and save the drink proposal for later.

Being reserved at first is a good chess move. Women don't like men who are too forward, and if you ask her for a drink immediately, you're trying to hard. Wait until the second dance, and then ask her for that drink.

Sometimes women will say no, just because they don't want to feel that they owe you anything. If she says no, just offer water, as that will take the pressure off of them. Of course, make sure it's bottled water, not water from the sink. When you buy her a drink, use the time to get to know her.

Tip 5
This one comes from one of my friends in New York City. His philosophy is to never take a ladies phone number. If you do, you will call them up, and you still don't know if they are interested in you. You may have to pay for two or three dates before finding out she likes you as a friend, or really doesn't like you at all. It's a very inefficient use of your time. It's better to give your number to her, so she has to call you. If she does call, you know she's interested in you.

Well, what if she doesn't call? My friend says that's not a problem, he gives out his number at least 10 times a night!!!! Someone will call. The fact that his number has been in the gutter outside every club in New York City doesn't bother him, as he claims a much better success rate when actually talking to a lady on the phone.

For me, I can't do this, as giving out my number that much breaks even my bounds of integrity. But I'm a convert to the idea. It cuts out a lot of pretension, and if you have romantic intentions, you won't be wasting time, and precious phone minutes.

Tip 6
You see a girl who can't dance, but she looks good. What do you do? Use your skills to teach her? Forget teaching her, or showing her anything!!

Dance merengue, dance club music, and enjoy the dance on equal terms. It's a better way to get to know a beginner dancer. I know many guys who prey on new dancers by telling them they'll show them how to dance, and I know they enjoy this position of power, but I never see them getting anywhere. There intentions are too obvious. It's better to just introduce yourself at the same level.

Tip 7
Be wary of women who are overtly sexual in your first dance. It usually means they are not interested in doing anything off the dance floor (or they had too much to drink). These women often have no intention of doing anything but dancing with you. Many times, the reason why they are being so sensual is because they are married or have boyfriends at home.

They don't care about leading you on, and they're not worried about what you think. They want their fun on their terms. They may even let you buy them drinks all night, and tell you at three in the morning that they are leaving to go home to their boyfriend. Any lady who is interested in you won't be overly sexual for the first song. She'll make you work a little bit, and often a lot!

Tip 8
Don't bother with the, "Let's get together to practice” line. Women know what you really want, and if they do get together to practice, they'll likely be using you. Spend your energy more efficiently, and ask her if she wants to do something outside of the dance scene. Coffee or lunch is always safe – a movie and dinner is being more forward.

Tip 9
When seeking a sensual dance, read body cues to see what is acceptable to your partner. Start far apart and read her eyes. If she is one of those dancers who won’t look at you, the sensual aspect of the dance is over. Don't bother. If there is some reciprocation, dance closer and throw in some drop catch moves or body waves. Build up to waist holds and dips based on her reaction. If she is responding positively, enjoy - if not, retreat. The ladies' body speaks a thousand words. She will push you back a little bit, or give you no energy if she doesn't like something. No big deal - it just means if you want that sensual dance, you go elsewhere.

It should go without saying that a sensual dance is not a “cheap thrills” dance. There are many guys who do give so-called "accidental" breast touches or worse things. This is harassment and should always be frowned upon. It will also give you a bad reputation.

Tip 10
Women are more impressed in how you make them feel than how good you look. Spend your time connecting with your partner, even if the moves are basic. You’ll both have more fun, and you'll get further than if you force advanced moves on her or spend time outshining her.

So that's it - 10 survival tips that you won't find in any etiquette article! Of course, there are many more, and here's where I ask you to send in your own and share your experiences, advice, mistakes and successes.